Well, part of my reason for creating this blog, probably the biggest reason, was to leave my children with a lasting memory of me and to use the blog/journal/pictures from our summer trip and turn it into a photo book from one of those photo places like Shutterfly or even Costco. But, I dropped the ball. I’m going to try to at least post weekly updates and in the mean time fill in the dates from our trip as I was keeping a journal on my iPad during our trip, but it’s just too time consuming for me to upload it and ad photos to it. I want that time for my children and have been feeling a mixture of guilt and conflict over writing this and spending time with my children. Today they are in school, so I figured I would post this.
I’ve been having a tough couple of days, here is a copy of my latest post on my care pages account…
I didn’t come to until I was in the ambulance. They told me I had a seizure while on the way to the hospital. I got my usual room in the ER! They did a cat scan to make sure I didn’t have a concussion, which luckily I didn’t, but my head was really bruised and hurt bad.
It turns out that I forgot to take my medicine for 2 days, so thank God it was nothing major. But it did give us all a good scare and I don’t think I will ever forget my meds, nor will any of my children ever let me as they ask many times during the day if I remembered to take it!!
Yesterday was so hard, because sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I worry about my children having to see things like that and their fears. I also feel guilty every time they ask if I remembered my meds, because that is not something a 3, 6, and 8 year old should have to be concerned about. Yesterday Faith was asking me about my plans if I died, whether or not I want to be buried (for the record, I don’t!), which is not something a normal 17 year old senior in high school should have to ever worry about or even have the need to ask their mother. Last night in our support group a daughter, who is 38, of a brain cancer patient said she gets mad easily at her mom because she is so mad her mom has cancer. And if she feels this at 38, I can’t imagine what Faith feels.
And it sucks that at 37 I have to figure out my plans for when I do end up dying, not that I plan to soon. But it will come to that point at some time and I have to figure it out while I’m still functioning.
Another weight on me is that my 1 year since my diagnosis is coming up on the 20th of this month. I wonder if since the doctors gave me 3 to 8 years to live, if this means I now have 2 to 7 years.
It’s such a weird thing to feel that I almost have to cheer people up when they ask how I’m doing. I just don’t want others to worry about me or feel sad, so I always feel the need to put on a happy face.
On the bright side (see I always feel the need to cheer you up, now that I gave such a tearful update, but maybe this will make me stop crying) I did get runner up in the Yahoo Women who Shine contest. Which will get me a $250 Visa gift card! But even better than getting that prize is knowing that out of 160 something women in the survivor category, I got 1st place in the whole United States!! It was amazing and so uplifting reading all of the comments, knowing people I have never met and who don’t know me are praying for me.
Sorry for such a dismal update. I’m hoping the next one will be better. I have my next doctor’s appoint with my brain cancer team on December 17th. On December 10th I will be getting a mammogram and ultrasound as my doctor found several lumps in my breasts yesterday (but honestly that is no fear for me and in my mind doesn’t even compare to the brain cancer stuff going on).”